-2/26/23
rn i am talking to my friend cowi. he is pretty cool. also i did some hw and i started it with lots of time to spare so i even finished it w/o any stress. more people joined vc so we r just talking about stuff. i have a headache :/ but its whatever idrc im having fun.
its hard to keep up w diaries like this but this will be cool bc it ruins my digital footprint even more. anyways idk what business u got reading my thoughts here but yeah. im almost finished with my degree and its got me thinking about what directions i want to take in life. i want to end up in wildlife conservation and then eventually retire into like a professor position in academia. i love teaching people and i love being out in the field yk so i just gotta prioritize stuff.
coffee is so gross actually i will never get why people drink it. makes me feel gross. i would rather drink like orange juice or something. i mean sometimes i try it though, just to remind myself how much i dont like it? not sure why i do that.
ive also been really into playing guitar recently and i keep writing words for stuff that i cant put the right sounds to.
maybe i am better off writing poems on their own but i would rather sing about how i feel than say it. ive got like an evil little disease that makes me restless in wanting to create and unsatisfied with the things i make. i guess everyones got a little of that though, maybe im the only one that cant get over it.
whatever i will write here again eventually. i expect i will write one or two more entries before disappearing for like a month to a year, and then repeating that pattern.
-3/15/23
talking to VOX rn. we r chillin. its like a sleepover. i got microbio lab tomorrow and then i will hang out with friends. i wanna dress cute, maybe put on some makeup but who knows. i got a rescue red eared slider to fix up, it has got shell rot and weakness and maybe like an upper respiratory infection but we'll see how it does. we are talking about a lot of deep stuff i love these convos. its funny that life can be so different for so many people but at the same time i find my perspectives in other people.
i got into both professional schools that i wanted so now i have an important decision to make. i hope i make the right decision.
convo is about cowboys now. real shit.
-5/19/23
graduating from undergrad todayyyy but im still studying for a final and it is almost 4AM. im very tired, but today i become a "scientist" by some measures of the word. i could hardly call this studying too but whatever. it does not help to listen to moody songs that make me feel alone, but being awake on my own at this time of night always makes me feel alone anyways. its very isolating sometimes. but i suppose i do it to myself, if i really wanted to maybe i could fix these habits someday.
been thinking about life, maybe i dont want to go into academia. still interested in wildlife conservation though. i am so so tired. tonight my friends and i are going out to celebrate graduation after the ceremony. i think it will be fun bc i havent really been out just to hang out in a while bc of school.
i am worried bc it seems like all of my friend groups are sort of splitting up. i suppose that is what happens when you are lucky enough to make a lot of friends but it hurts to just watch it all happen. people just get upset with each other and leave. or they dont leave and act like everything is fine. i am always in the middle of everything because i try to fix things (fatal flaw). i know for a fact that there have been times where trying to fix things or help people solve things has made the situation worse. it would be a good idea to just leave stuff alone i think, so that is sort of what i am trying to do. it feels weird because there are even some friends in one group who actively reference the falling out as if it is just something funny everyone is supposed to laugh at. i am usually all for covering pain with jokes, but in this case it is only carelessness. and by carelessness i mean disregard for a person, just a lack of care and mutual respect. i dont really feel comfortable on either side in that situation. better i just leave stuff alone and maybe that means taking a step back from both parts, but maybe that will only hasten the breakdown. i have seen all the signs for so long and people act like it is their duty to make things worse.
i am already very cynical i think but its not like i like being cynical, and i actively try to not be cynical. despite that, i can only be cynical when i feel this happening to every friend group. despite the fact that all of the things happening are actually just unrelated to me, i am left to wonder if i really am the common denominator in all of this. how wrong can i be in assuming that i am the problem. it was only recently i found out that even trying to do the right thing and help people can lead to them hurting. im not perfect but for a long time i thought i at least knew how to try to do things right. it feels like i do not actually know that, but maybe i have just been really good at pretending. really good at pretending i know how to fix something or do the right thing. pretending i have some sort of real moral compass. isnt that so narcissistic? or am i feeling a sense of impostor syndrome right now. it is sort of embarrassing that i can still be so confused about how i feel even as what people call an adult. i do not feel like an adult. i feel like a horrible creature who is trying very hard to blend in with people who dont actually care who blends in or not.
luckily im very good at wasting time and not studying so it is now a fair bit later. i will be okay. the anxiety about friends will pass. they have to figure it out on their own maybe, and i will still be here. i know they know this website exists but im pretty sure they forgot about it, or at least they likely will not be checking it since i dont really mention this ever. if they do see this they know i love them anyways, there is little or nothing that could change that.
there is just such a pressing urgent need in my mind to get the stuff i need done, to try every option to find solutions for whatever, but there is never the right time when i feel this need. i am tired and lazy only when it counts, only when i need to do something. it can really be miserable.
when my eyes close soon it will be birds in the morning and the sun shining through my blinds and a headache that leaves me hoping the night will be fun but not too long. when i return in the night it will be my tired footsteps through the hall and falling asleep still in my makeup and my wishing the night was longer before i pass out in a spinning room. luckily i am still young, but there is so much i need to figure out.
-6/15/23
im talking to matt rn. hes fun to talk to. i also have a headache rn. i thought it was electrolyte imbalance but i think i am simply dehydrated. life is alright at the moment. ive been having fun at work and i am excited for school. thoughts about friends linger but regardless i am happy. still puzzled over future plans but that is better left to the future anyways. even in their own time things are better left to the future. i did recently reorganize my room too and so ive been enjoying that. also im going out with friends tonight so im excited for that. itll be like a girls night. very cute. i love them. not in a romantic way of course but like i truly love my friends and i hope they know that. i dont think people realize how much my friends matter to me but they matter a lot. i think they care about me a lot too.
-12/7/23
ok im back to this website. im very busy with school and other stuff in life.
i have sort of forgotten what exactly i wanted to write. but that is fine because this is really just a stream of consciousness page anyways. when i write these i just write them directly into the html file. it is sort of nice to have the little html tags to write inbetween, just a fun little activity to give me pause for a moment.
i have been hanging out with friends a lot and going to a lot of parties, which is all super fun, but it feels like i never fit in right. i think it is probably an error in my perception, if i care to be honest with myself, but somehow it does not really help me shake the feeling. and what am i to do about that? ask my friends to measure how weird i am and report back? i can understand that i am maybe socially insecure at the moment but that would be embarrassing to reflect on later for sure.
so really i think it probably comes down to ???
i swear i had like something real to write there but i just dont really know. like it was there for a second.
i think i feel that or i am worried that people treat me more like a curiosity than a person. like maybe im too silly for them or something. i can understand that i portray a silly act a lot of the time, but that does not force upon me a lesser understanding of who i am and what i do. but of course how can they know that.
but of course also how can i really tell. i feel i am mostly just imagining that people like me less than they actually do. in reality i know i am a kind person and i do objectively have a lot of friends who are actually really cool to me. why am i insecure right now?
hmm. actually i should mention this. at a party in october someone confronted me about my gender identity while i was of course not sober at all. i understand the intention and that they were just a little misguided but that conversation made me feel like people do not think i know who i am or that i do not take myself seriously. i dont need someone to tell me that i "should be who i really am" because this is who i really am. you dont know me enough to understand that sure but why make an assumption that i am not who i genuinely am. you make me worry that people are perceiving me as someone who doesnt know what they are doing.
its hard to believe you really are pretty at a party when the person who calls you pretty all night starts telling you to be true to yourself and show your true colors and yass slay queen whatever.
if you really want to know, the reason i only wear makeup and get dressed up for parties is because i have to wake up at 6 in the fucking morning for school, of course i am not doing all that shit to go to class. i am not your project.
maybe a better point to gather from this though is that if this person thinks this, then obviously i really have acted a certain way so that people do not really understand who i am. perhaps i should be clearer about who i really am, instead of them being led to believe i am shy or unaware or unserious about who i am.
but why do i have to be the one to change for them. obviously i do not really. why am i so uncomfortable about being misperceived. i think that i should not be. i should learn to get over it because of course people will fail to understand even if i am more clear.
i understand that therapists often deal with issues like social anxiety. ive talked to a therapist before but all they really did was parrot back what i already knew about what i needed to change and how to change it. maybe it is their fault for not doing more or my fault for not seeing something deeper in how they said it. maybe therapy truly just isnt as useful for my situations. obviously i need to try it out more to be sure but these are my thoughts at the moment.
currently i am very hungry. even with a lower rent it is not easy to make sure i am not spending too much on groceries. such is living on your own with low income and high student loans i guess.
really im doing pretty alright for myself overall. i think ultimately a lot of my feelings right now stem from living on my own for the first time and far from friends and family at home. worrying about making a good impression on people and doing well in school. growing pains i guess. im good at healing from stuff like that though.
-2/12/24
returning here to this site like i always do when i am sad and lonely. someday i might infuse these entries with some positivity but it is not today. today instead i feel abandoned. idk i dont care much more to write a lot more i guess. just hurts. i might write a little more in a moment.
valentines day is coming up. agony. as much as i dont like capitalism the holiday still brings with it a social expectation. and moreover it brings to me a sad reminder. like i said in the other entry, maybe i misrepresent myself. wish a girl would ask me out but i dont think thats happening.
might do HRT at some point. even though i think i am non-binary people just dont seem to accept it, or respect it. maybe hormones could make me look the part more. the only big downside if i do that though is sterility. i want to have a kid someday. but im not getting any younger too. this is cruel to me.